Captain of the football team, All-Conference, Lineman of the year, All-American, dating the head cheerleader, I was going to graduate with honors, I had job offers, I had “made it”! And yet I had never felt emptier in my entire life. I didn’t feel sad. I didn’t feel angry. I didn’t feel pain. I felt NOTHING. I felt lost. Having all these peaks didn’t fix any of this. Nothing went away…except my distraction…except my excuse for being the person I was. Why was I here? Why did I work so hard for these things? What was my purpose? What
I write this because I see that emptiness in other people. I see the inner demons that torment people. In their eyes, in their souls. I also see the same people making the same mistakes I did. I see them distracting, I see them excusing. I see them on the wrong path. I’m not saying I have all or any of the answers. But I do know what doesn’t work and I have a voice to hopefully help someone.
One of my main goals in life is to write a book, to help people through these situations, to let people know there is something if you keep pushing through these moments. “What Now” is a series of my thoughts that I’m working on developing into a story, into a book and this is my first piece.
There is no Top:
I promise you it’s a myth. That goal you are striving for, that award, that promotion, that girl or boy. I promise none of its going to fill that empty feeling in you. I know, I’ve been there. As a freshmen in college I wrote down 4 goals. One of my biggest goals was to become an All-American. I wrote it everywhere, I told myself at all moments it was going to happen, I put every ounce of my soul into it. I went to bed early, I never went out, I trained tirelessly, I carried around my food everywhere. I was obsessed. With this goal. With myself. Anything that stood in the path of it wasn’t going to last. I thought I had found what I was called to do. I thought when I got that award, that feeling in my stomach would go away. I thought when I got that award, that emptiness would go away. I thought when I got that award, things would make sense. But they didn’t. One of the lowest points in my life, as stupid as it may sound, was when I got that award. Because nothing happened. Nothing went away…except my distraction…except my excuse for being the person I was. So there I was, I had reached “the top” emptier than ever. Unable to communicate with anyone what I was going through. Feeling fake. Feeling all the people saying congrats and how happy they were for me, knowing they didn’t care about me, because I couldn’t tell them who I was. I was stuck. I was stuck in who I created. It opened up my eyes, it made me realize: There is no top. So what now?