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I Hate Being Happy

I’m going to be honest, I have a lot of inner demons. I have a lot of hate and anger in me. I have voices in my head that keep me up at night. That make it hard to sleep. I hear repeatedly. “You aren’t good enough” “No one cares” And these are some of the nice things they tell me. Over and Over again. On Repeat. But it pushes me. It always has. Pushes me to become a better version of myself. Pushes me past limits that I didn’t think were possible. Pushes me to outwork those voices. To quiet them for just a bit. For a little bit of peace. I see these same demons in other people, everyone has them to a certain extent. Some people’s demons are louder than others. Some people portray their demons more openly. Some people hide them deep but allow them to take over. But rest assured, they are there. It’s what pushes great people to be great. It’s what allows people to push past what is “humanly possible” I hate being Happy, because it scares me.

What if those voices shut off? What if I turn into the suburban dad with the red BMW convertible who has settled in life? What if I let my dreams die with me? Would I be the same person? Would I be able to accomplish as much as I want to accomplish?

And then there’s the flip side.

What if I allow the inner demons to take over? What if all I feel is hate? What if all I hear is those voices? Will I ever be fulfilled or will I always be chasing those voices?

Those are all questions I dive into deeply; I write, read and think about them constantly. These questions are one of my biggest drivers to be a coach, leader and business owner. How can I help people answer these for themselves? Because I see the pain people have in their souls, I see those demons talking to them. I see them hiding and suppressing them. I see that they have no answer on what to do with them. And I didn’t either. I used* work, practice and other things in life to hide them, to get those voices to shut off for just a little bit. (And I use past tense even though its an everyday battle) I knew then that it wasn’t the answer, but I had no other outlet. If I worked, if I pushed, I was able to quiet them for just a bit. But they’d come ragging back and I’d allow them to take over. I knew it was happening, but I feared what would happen if it didn’t. I’d lose my edge I thought. So, I let it happen, I let them take over my life. All I heard and felt was hate. It consumed me

and was a vicious feedback cycle.

What Voice Do you Hear in your head and how is it working?

My goal is to help others break this feedback cycle before it becomes too destructive in their lives. No, I don’t have it all figured out. I’m 23 years old. I’ve dealt with these demons for as long as I can remember, but I still hear them every day. However, I’m getting much better at controlling and owning them for a greater good. Hopefully this can help someone take this control before they let them take over like I did.

You’ll Never Shut Them Off

Even when you're one of the most successful people on the planet you'll still have these. (And many times you're the most successful person on the planet because of these)

I’ll repeat this, “You’ll never shut them off” EVER. I have talked, listened and read about some of the most successful people in the world and they all mention in some way them being there. This may sound scary and daunting at first but I actually think it’s the opposite. Once you know this you can stop trying and stressing about that. Knowing they are always going to be there allows you to begin with the end in mind and start taking ownership. They are always going to be there so how can I control them in a way that allows me to use them for the better but not allow them to take over. To keep that edge without being filled with hate.

Works Not the Answer

This paragraph is mostly to remind myself that it’s the truth. Work, by itself, is not the answer. Just because it quiets them for a bit, doesn’t mean you’re working on controlling them. It’s avoiding the problem. Yes it allows you to get a lot done, but if this is your only answer, the rest of your life is going to suck. You’ll start to lose passion for things you loved and you’ll be working to work. You’ll be working a lot and accomplishing little. You need to get out of this mindset, things that quiet the demons don’t fix them.

Learn to control them

This is where the balance really comes in and where the understanding is powerful. They aren’t going away and things that avoid them aren’t the answer so, what do you do to balance that chaos and order? You work to control them, and you do that by controlling things in your life. If you allow chaos into your life, then your mind is going to be chaos. If your mind is chaos, there is no control and these demons start to take over. So, bring order to your life. Make your bed, clean your room, make sure the person that looks back at you in the mirror is someone that you feel is in control. In control of your physical self. In control of your diet, of your sleep, of your physical training. “Have your own house in order before you criticize others” as Jordan Peterson would say. Have your physical life in order to start taking control of the mental side. (And getting your physical life in order takes ordering your mental side to do, it's a win-win) This order will allow you to start to control (remember not eliminate) the chaos in your head. With this you can start to turn up and down the voices and demons. When you don’t need them you can shut them off a bit and when you need that edge back, you can turn them back up.

I’m still working on this control. Sometimes I suppress for too long and they come ragging back out and sometimes I turn up the volume too loud and I start to get caught up in them. Again, it’s a process, a never ending one at that, but one that if mastered will allow you to push forward and be great while also connecting and feeling fulfilled.

Be Open about them

You Have to Accept It before you can Fix it.

“Tell the truth or atleast don’t lie” – JP

This one is something so many people need to work on. (AGAIN, ME included) This is big for a lot of reasons. Suppressing only fuels them, be open about them and what is your cause for them. You hide them and you give them control, you subconsciously think about them more and bring actions into your life that will bring them out. Your mind and body want to tell the truth so don’t fight it because it’ll find a way out. This also affects others because then they feel alone in this battle and don’t feel like they have the power to open up about them and the cycle repeats itself. Be open and real and order will find its way.

Love Is powerful

This is the final point, but as powerful as the hate that you feel drives you is, love is so much stronger. It gives you the same fuel the hate does, but it allows you connect and use other people’s energy. It allows you to collaborate, shoot ideas off of other people and grow as a human. But you only get the love that you give. So, start changing your thought process on why you do things. Help, feel, open up to and grow with people. Actively bring that love into your life, because I promise you its powerful.

In closing:

I want to reiterate that these steps don’t mean you’ll have it all figured out or that anything will magically fix itself. I struggle every single day. I still have really dark days and battles with my mind where I feel I fall into the same traps. But with these days come days that I have complete control and these days are more often occurring. I feel more fulfilled then I ever have and I have way more love and a better support system then I’ve ever had before. And I’m still accomplishing and producing the same if not more than I did when I feared that I’d lose my edge. That fear of happiness is slowing fading away and with it control is coming.

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